This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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