It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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