Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
