We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
