he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
