She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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