This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
