I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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