My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
