He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
