you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
