Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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