never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
