He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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