Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
