I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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