I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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