My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
