i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
