I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
whose ass print is on the piano?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
