oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I am spending my child support on dildos
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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