Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
