you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
