"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
