I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
