I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
