This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
