So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
