allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
