Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
