i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
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