Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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