god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
