I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I can text with my tongue
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I have fence marks all over my body
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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