just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
