Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
