I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
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