CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
