we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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