I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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