The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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