Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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