Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
