got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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