there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
