arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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