I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
