You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
