Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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