Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
