Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
