i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
So many bounce houses so little time
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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