I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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