he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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