I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
